


Bang-Up Job

by StripedSunhat



Series: A Village of One [11]
Category: Girl Genius (Webcomic)
Genre: Bang., Blood, Come on, Gen, Humor, Irony, Klaus can't keep desks, Klaus is not as clever as he thinks he is, Pre-Canon, Threats of Violence, WE HAVE BANG!, Why Klaus needs therapy, again., enough irony to choke on, it's Bang, of course there's blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 04:20:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20383567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StripedSunhat/pseuds/StripedSunhat
Summary: The Empire had dealt with unsavory characters before.  It had employed villains before.  It had given posts and people to cut-throats and psychopaths before.Somehow Captain Bangladesh DuPree managed to outdo them anyway.And of course she wants to go back to Paris.Because why not?The desk is coming out of her pay, just see if it doesn't.





	Bang-Up Job

**Author's Note:**

> BANGLADESH DUPREE HAS ARRIVED!!!
> 
> For those of you who've read my other stuff, you might have noticed I've given Klaus a Skifandarian knife in some of my other works. If you haven't or if it's been a while I hardcore headcanon that Klaus took two things with him when he fled: Gil and a knife Zantabraxus gave him. He uses it in stressful situations as a way to feel close with the rest of his family. Yes that is the knife he pulls here. Because any irony we can drop on Klaus we will.

The door to Klaus’s office was kicked violently open with a violent bang. Pirate Queen Bangladesh DuPree swanned into the room. “Man! Paris is fun!” She flung herself into the chair opposite Klaus’s, drops of blood flying in every direction as she went. “I don’t know why I’ve never been there before!” Her hair and under her nails were caked red. He had no hope of even guessing the original color of her shirt. The chair was no doubt completely ruined. At least she hadn’t sat on the desk. He liked this desk.

“Probably because you’ve been too busy pillaging and burning before.”

“Naw, that’s for amateurs. A true pirate knows better. We’re all about murdering and pillaging.” DuPree grinned. Even her teeth were bloody. That in and of itself wouldn’t have been that bad except Klaus was somehow certain it wasn’t hers.

“And who exactly have you been murdering and pillaging in Paris?” He fingered his knife under the table. If the answer was random students they’d have a problem. 

“Oh get your panties out of their twist. I just took a little detour on the way here.”

Discretion was the better part of valor. He decided not to ask where Captain DuPree’s detour had been to. “Next time I send word I expect you to come straight away. You agreed to work for me. That doesn’t work if I can’t be certain you’ll be at a situation when you’re needed instead of… what was it? Murdering and pillaging.”

“I’m only working for you provided you hold up your end of the bargain,” DuPree said. She pulled out a dagger and spun it lazily between her fingers. “Speaking of which how are your spies doing?”

“Nothing to report yet.”

DuPree smiled, sharper than her blade. “You’re not trying to string me along, are you Herr Baron?” Klaus eyed the knife, getting a better grip on his own in case he had to pull it. Her rage at her crew’s death made her more directable certainly, but not more controllable. Klaus was hardly in the habit of letting his guard down around feral dogs.

“If you want you want you can ask the spymaster about it afterwards. But the truth of the matter is that it will more likely take years before even a lead is found. And before you go accusing me of ‘stringing you along’ I’ll remind you of how long _you’ve_ been looking for your culprit, with no results either if I recall.”

He braced for a knife throw, or maybe a lunge if he was particularly unlucky (he usually was. Barry used to tease him about his ability to froth a woman into a homicidal lather with only a few words). But instead DuPree perked up like a child given access to accelerant for the first time. “Really? You’ll let me at the spies? Score!” She threw a victory fist into the air. The knife went with it, embedding itself into the ceiling above them. She looked over at Klaus who had pulled his knife out into a defensive stance as soon as she moved. It now hung loosely between his fingers. “Oh you thought I was serious, didn’t you?” Her grin split even wider as she dropped back into her chair and propped her feet up. So much for Klaus’s desk. “Chill, I was just messing with you. I know they’re gonna take forever to find. Why do you think I even came to you in the first place? I am going to take you up on scaring your spies though. You already said so; no take-backs.”

Klaus pinched the bridge of his nose. **_“…fine.”_**

“Sweet!” She pushed her chair back until it was tilted onto two legs, digging her gore and muck encrusted shoes into Klaus’s _favorite desk_ to get the needed leverage. “So, when do I go back to Paris?”

“What makes you think you’re going back to Paris?” What made her think he’d let her back within a hundred-kilometer radius of Gil? Once had been a bad enough lapse of judgement.

“Because I want to.”

"No."

“Tough.”

“Can’t you find something else to wreck instead?”

“Nope! Paris is fun. And so’s Gil.” Quick as a blink she swung her feet off his desk, letting her chair thud back onto the ground. “Everything blows up around that kid.”

Klaus pushed himself up from his seat, bracing himself on the edges of his desk. “You cannot kill him.” The wood creaked ominously under his grip. “He is not to be attacked, not to be harmed, not to be _toyed with_. Find your fun somewhere else.” Belatedly he tacked onto the end, “I have plans for him within the empire.”

Captain DuPree rolled her eyes. “Well duh. He’s your son.”

He was still armed. He still had his knife out still in his hand. Captain DuPree’s was in the ceiling. The desk would create a bit of a delay, give her a few seconds to prepare but he could overpower her easily enough –

“Wait, was that supposed to be some kind of secret?” Klaus froze. DuPree burst into laughing, slamming a hand onto the desk. Klaus waited. DuPree didn’t stop, instead she started laughing even harder, falling out of her seat from the force of it. “Oh my God it was! It really was, wasn’t it! Oh wow are you stupid!”

The knife finally fell onto the desk, fingers now completely numb. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snapped out immediately, defensive and shaky and even he was embarrassed by how transparent that denial was.

Apparently, Captain DuPree was too. “Come on, poor orphan prodigy boy with no history that you’ve proven you care more about than literally anything else in the world? What else am I supposed to think?”

“It’s a story that every world power has believed,” he grumbled under his breath. With some additions, but Klaus was hardly about to tell the Teuful cover to someone like Bangladesh DuPree.

“Well that just proves how stupid people in power are,” she waved her hand at Klaus. “Case in point.”

“Fine. He’s my son. Happy?”

“Absolutely. Now when do I get to go back to blowing crap up with the boss’s kid?” Like a dog with a bone.

“Knowing what you do what possibly makes you think I’d even consider sending you back there. You were quite literally late for this meeting for an unspecified detour that led to you bathing in the blood of those I’m sure you didn’t even consider your enemies.”

“You got that right. If they were my enemies I would have disemboweled them with their own fingernails instead of a sword.”

“I rest my case.”

“Come oooooonnnnn!!!!” DuPree whined. “You keep sending me out for milk runs. They’re booorrrriiinnggg!”

Well, Gil _was_ always complaining about how he felt Klaus continually treated him with kid gloves. And if he could handle **_her_** for a few years he could handle damn near anything. If he couldn’t Klaus could always call her back. Probably. Provided she didn’t decide to revolt.

“Fine. The dirigible will leave at 21:00.”

“Yay!!” DuPree flung her arms into the air. Fresh drops of blood splattered against his office walls. “And our deal?” For the briefest second, something that could almost be considered vulnerability flashed across her face. “You will find whoever killed my crew for me, right? So I can kill them back?”

Klaus picked up his knife, thumbing along the engravings as he tucked it away. In all honesty he would track down whoever slaughtered Captain DuPree’s crew even without the agreement. There’d been no gossip about it, which meant it wasn’t a professional. Any rogue party who could cause carnage like that either needed to brought into line or put down. And somehow Klaus doubted that someone who ravaged pirates like that would not be someone brought easily into the fold. If handing them over on a platter for disembowelment with their own fingernails won him Captain DuPree’s loyalty – such as it was – all the better. But he could hardly tell her that. Instead he arched an eyebrow at her. “Those were the terms of our agreement, wasn’t it?”

DuPree’s face cleared, her eyes regaining their murderous twinkle. “Just making sure. Now, about those spies you promised I could harass?”

Klaus was going to regret this. He was going to regret this so much. He already was. “Go. One of the crew can take you. No, you can’t play with them either. Remember, 21:00. If you miss it you’ll just have to wait and make your way back to Paris after whatever milk run I decide to send you on.”

DuPree threw an arm around her neck. The motion was somehow both friendly and cutting off his air supply. “You’re going to be a **fun** boss! I can tell.” With that she released her hold and skipped out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

The vibrations shook the knife loose from its vacation in the ceiling panel. It flipped once in midair, embedding itself into the middle of Klaus’s desk.

Yup.

Definitely already regretting it.

**Author's Note:**

> Outtake:  
“Who was that?”  
Klaus glanced up at Boris standing in the doorway. “Pirate Captain Bangladesh DuPree. She’s Gil’s newest test.”  
“I see." He glanced around the blood-spattered walls and soaked chair. "I’ll start drafting the apology to Voltaire now.”


End file.
